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Today I want to blog about traumatic memories. I already tried to find a way to handle PTSD but since fundamentals are important (because there are natural things happening in association), I want to try to decompose a traumatic memory in that post.
The memory is an alleged public rape scene during a party where I wasn’t invited but I was able to have a look at the scene because I had a point of view on the terrace of my neighbours.
I guess I could also try to decompose the Civil war in Lebanon (1975 – 1990). I have a friend who already wrote a comic book about it. It seems the Civil War started with a Palestinian bus who was shot by some Christians.
Since my posts are 4 paragraphs long I will also try to decompose being alone in Paris during the 2006 war between Lebanon and Israel; and also another souvenir from an ex-lover who was toying with a knife while we were investigating anonymous letters.
Of course, all those traumatic memories will be decomposed using a song. But let’s first tackle the dodgy subject of witnessing a friend being kinda raped.
Are There Some Crimes That Build A Nation?
At age 14 I was the witness of an alleged rape scene. That’s why I chose the song “Rape Me” by Nirvana to understand the basis of that memory. The guy was trying to burn my female friend on an epic level.
Epic literature is the kind that tells the story of how a nation started. It kind of makes sense because, since that 1994 souvenir, I know a lot of people who died. They were paying the cost to be the boss.
This epic violence scene just meant there were priorities I guess. My friend died shortly thereafter and she left us an intriguing riddle: how much worth are the people who died?
Because I do think death is for the people who can’t get any rest. Will they come back? Only because of environmental factors and epigenetic.
Will You Shoot “Peace Can Last Forever”?
The Civil War in Lebanon started amid growing tensions in the Israel-Arab conflict. Lebanon, during 15 years, was a tragic scene: there also were Lybians shooting random people in the street. I guess Lebanese people’s dignity fought back.
Pax Syriana was a way to solve this conflict: Syria had the power in Lebanon and it seems Alois Brunner wasn’t a stranger in helping solve that problem. Or maybe he created the mess and then appeared as a saviour.
Anyway it seems the basis of the civil war could have been “failure to communicate”. This is a hint from the Guns ‘n’ Roses’ song called “Civil War”. Because if we could communicate, then maybe we would have stayed humans.
Will This Loneliness Leave Me Alone?
Watching Lebanon in 2006 from Europe was a bit strange. It seems Israel launched a war with Hezbollah and a lot of people ended up tattooed: when you’ve been to hell, the real challenge is coming back home.
Anyway what was sure for me at that time was that “nothing was gonna come my way”. This line from Otis Redding’s “Dock of the Bay” still haunts me today because, most of the time, I have to engage people. It wasn’t always this way but since 2006, nothing is coming my way.
This fundamental makes a lot of sense today. I spend a lot of time talking to people and going their way. And most of the time, there’s some desire but a memory from our lonesome past prevents us to work together.
Will You Stop That Radio Of Yours?
The last traumatic memory I want to analyse today is the following: what’s my friend doing toying with a knife? I guess Dire Straits’ “Six Blade Knife” might be the key as a fundamental of that traumatic event.
Someone took a stone from my soul while I was lame just to tame me. As if I was an animal with no emotions and no conscience of God and space.
It’s true I felt like an animal which I am but there’s so much more to life than what we see. I still wonder why we’re stuck on planet Earth. She never toyed with a knife again: I guess her investigation was closed. I don’t know what those people are taught but it seems they want to spend their lives testing us.
I guess decomposing a traumatic memory on a fundamental can help you write a nice song about it. It’s easy to digest and it should give you some energy if you’re not tired of “this shit not killing you and making you stronger”.
Will You Run Away From This?
As a conclusion, I chose the song “Creep” by Radiohead to illustrate this post because we will run away from what we don’t understand. Those complex traumatic memories that will live inside of you all your life will also be reconstructed it seems. Memory has 2 fundamentals:
- association: thinking about Beirut might make you think about Shawarma and then make you think about food and so on and so forth,
- reconstruction: a memory is reconstructed which means it’s not a picture (this makes me think memory might be constantly at war).
As if you were constantly guilty about something, traumatic memories could be decomposed like a signal by a fundamental and then we might have another point of view on the meaning of that experience or event.
And remember: running away might mean it’s an admission of your guilt. And if you’re guilty, shame is really close and the next stop is ground zero. The first level of true force is courage which means that memory might not be a burden!
[Verse 1]
When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special
[Chorus]
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
[Verse 2]
I don't care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special
[Chorus]
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
Oh, oh
[Bridge]
She's running out the door
She's running out
She run, run, run, run
Run
[Outro]
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
